I wonder about my choices.

One thing I do have to say for myself is that I will go to the end of the road in a relationship, trying every way possible to make it work. Is that a good quality? I'm not sure. It has certainly cause a lot of heartache for me, and for others, like my children, affected by it.

I live in paradise

I really do - or pretty close to it. From my patio I watch egrets, great blue heron, little blue heron, ducks and turtles and trees and sunset on the intracoastal waterway. I walk across the street to the Atlantic Ocean, sometimes early enough to catch the sunrise! It is always covered in gorgeous shells, starfish, warm warm water (compared to California).

Do why, right now, do I feel like crying? Why do I feel like that so often?

I think I feel a loss of purpose. I was SO busy for so many years raising five children, often while trying to run a business or work full time. I remember so often thinking what I wouldn't give for just an hour alone in the house. There was little chance of that, since the spacing of my children meant I had one or more children under five years old for eighteen years straight!

Now that youngest baby is the only one with me, and the others are all so far - I ache for the sense of being needed and of getting up in the morning with so much ahead to do.

Now I have this life of leisure - of walks and classes and lunches with the ladies, of happy hours and hot tubs. And it makes me feel like crying.

Wow - it's hard for me to be happy, I guess. I really expect NO sympathy...;-)

For What It's Worth, part one

I picked this title for my blog because, 1) it's the name of a favorite Buffalo Springfield song and 2) it seems to fit.

I'm generally writing this because I need to write, I have things to say, I have had some interesting things happen to me (so I have been told) and my older daughter is encouraging me.

I have been trying to write my autobiography for several months. However, my attention span does not lend itself to a chronological timeline. I get bored - I move on. I would rather just write as things pop in to my head. I will not say I have ADHD or whatever, because I do not believe in that. Just another come on from the pharmaceutical industry to sell another produbt/create another addiction. I believe people who jump from one thought to the next are the most creative, intelligent and very easily misunderstood. I have had this argument with several teachers of my children over the years.

At this point in my life, I find myself newly transplanted into Northen Florida, minus four of my kids and one loved step-son. Only my youngest son came along. Liam is 13 and adjusting to a whole different way of life, in mid eighth grade. He seems to be doing okay. Ciara, in her senior year in high school, stayed behind with friends to finish up.


My heart breaks whenever I allow myself to dwell on this reality, so I try to keep it out of my head as much as possible. I sold real estate in California, and that is now like being unemployed. My husband had the choice of moving here or not having a job. In this economy, we had little choice.

The plus side is that we live in a gorgeous, big condo set between the Atlantic Ocean and the Intracoastal Waterway. In the morning I walk across the street to the beach and watch the sun rise. It is taking a while to get used to that - having lived on the pacific most of my life. In the evening I sit on my lanai and watch the sun set over the Intracoastal. It's beautiful. It is as though I live in a resort. I guess, really, I do. I'm lucky - with so much trouble in the world right now. But I still miss my kids.....

I have lived in Florida before. My first husband, Pat, was sent to a job in Tampa in 1984. Conor was two and Erin a newborn. We lived there for five years, had Brennan, and a lot of interesting times that I will write about by and by.

My father, in fact was born and raised in Panama City, Florida and his grandparents lived in Jacksonville, not far from where Paul now works. Some force keeps wanting me to be in Florida, I guess.